Forever Spam

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Die Laughing, Spammer!

Thus is it written in the Acts of the Spampire Hunters, chapter 21, verses 1-15:

1: Yea, verily, in those latter and degenerate days were seen many diverse and deplorable spectacles of a most horrid and depraved nature,

2: For then did chickens lay double-yolked eggs, and cattle did issue forth two-headed calves, while "Forever Knight" did become available only in reruns upon a cable channel not available to all in the land.

3: And the people were sorely vexed by trolls, and spammers, and all other manner of infamous creatures.

4: Amid all these tribulations, none were more obnoxious than, a bizarre and unnatural spammer who did make most vile use of a forged e-mail address, yet was unable to hide the fact that he was spamming from Netcom, just as surely and undeniably as this most peculiar creature lacked the female sexual organs which it implied were a fundamental part of its anatomy.

5: And it came to pass one night that this odious creature,, stepped forth before the people, yea, even before the people of did he step forth, and rising upon his hind feet did he open his mouth and bleat:

6: " Behold, I am a spammer of the lowest nature, a fool and a bufoon, a simpleton, yes, in truth, a silly person of the most preposterous sort! By my headers do ye know me as a crossposter of the most foolish breed, and by my spam do ye see that I would gull thee of much money. Lest any among ye doubt the truth of this, I command thee to heed this sign which I give unto thee, for thy ruination and demoralization:"

7: And then did the sign appear upon the monitors of the people, and they beheld that the sign consisted of the title of a newsgroup posting, and the foul Sign of the Beast was

8: "looking for *****TICKLISH GUYS******," and this sign was accompanied by many words which bore only a passing and bastardized relationship to the English language, although clear and undeniable were the spammer's demented request to be sent money and other items.

9: Then did many of the people fall down in laughter, for truly were the spammer's pronouncements of such a ludicrous nature that no thinking person could hear them and feel any serious regard for such utter nonsense,

10: And even more people fell into a profound stupor which surpassed even the deepest sleep, for the spammer's words were so lacking in wit and creativity that many were bored unto tears, yea, even unto death, and escaped into slumber when they heard the spammer speak,

11: And some posted replies with words of anger, even of great anger, for they found it impossible to remain silent in the pockmarked face of such offensive dishonesty, and the ineffably strange pronouncements of the spammer roused them to great wrath,

12: And there were among those people some who possessed tar, yea, verily, tar of the hottest and most adhesive nature, and feathers of a quite remarkable featheriness, and a rail of unsurpassed hardness and length and sharpness of splinters,

13: And they did take the spammer, and tar and feather him, and ride him out of town on that rail, to his great consternation and discomfort, and this act they accomplished by reporting the spammer to his, who deprived the spammer of his internet access after much protesting and demanding from the worthy people of the internet, who forwarded the spam to, yea, even unto did they forward the entire posting, with insistent demands that Netcom honor its proclaimed anti-spamming policies and take action against the spammer,

14: not to dishonestly and misleadingly claim that it would suspend the spammer's account until the spammer understood Netcom's alleged intolerance of spamming, but to actually, permanently, irrevocably, once and for all destroy and annihilate the spammer's netcom account, as would be expected of an ISP which claims to show some responsibility,

15: And there was great rejoicing in the land.

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Last modified: April 10, 2006